I am Not a Victim

I was molested. I am not a victim. I try my best everyday to demolish victimized thinking in my own life and in the life of others.

There aren’t too many people who are aware of this fact, and that’s my own fault. I was ashamed of what happened. I also felt obligated to protect my molester from punishment or ridicule.

Little to my imagination I wasn’t the only one in my family that endured this. I can only offer them the same affirmation I tell myself. “You are not a victim. You are victorious.”

I haven’t allowed what happened to me – and countless others – to humiliate me or put me into a corner, to hide and keep quiet (although my favorite song from Roger and Hammerstein’s Cinderella is “In My Own Little Corner,” and I am an introvert who prefers to observe the party rather than make myself the center of attention). I see no need in hiding from what happened, because it made me stronger, and solidified my desire for independence.

I’m close to my mother, like most children are despite how some may act. When you spend 40 weeks inside of someone’s abdomen, you tend to get attached to each other.

My parents have been divorced since I was in diapers, and my mother gained sole custody of me. I would my visit father during the summers and some holidays throughout the years.

My mom remarried when I was a toddler. My stepdad and I drifted off in communication and affection as I grew older. I think we both took that too personally.

As close as my mother and I are, I didn’t tell her about the molestation until adulthood. She was very hurt by this. She was sleeping in the next room when it happened. I’m her first child, and she had worked hard to build a safe space we could call home. I was an asshole for not telling her sooner.

Like most people I didn’t tell anyone about it for a long time. I felt that it was my fault that I was molested. I jest that, ‘I’m too sexy for my own good,’ and, ‘it’s been that way since I was a little kid.’

Humor is a good tool for me when dealing with my weaknesses and issues that I feel less than comfortable speaking about. Laughing at myself or at a situation brings to the forefront the positive attributes of everything involved.

I no longer worry about the outcome. The outcome doesn’t matter. I have joy. I know that everyone isn’t at that point in their journey with this particular issue, and my humor could be seen in bad taste for them. However, I can see the truth in the joke.

Even though, I was molested; I live out positively, keeping in mind the need to forgive for the sake my own karmic energy. I still communicate with my molester. I don’t hold any grudges. I wish I told someone sooner, and asked for help. I dealt with emotions I still don’t completely understand. I’m thankful for the strength and love instilled in me from a young age. It has helped me carry on thus far as a happy individual. I know this isn’t the same for everyone. I pray for their peace mind and heart, to endure beyond the mentality of being victimized.

The strength we need is found in our desire to forgive, and move through the hurt of the violation into the serenity of security. The universe is designed to give us the desires of our hearts, and to benefit us.

LOVE & LIGHT

Li

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